box or bling?

Have you ever felt that you existed within multiple realities?

I believe that I'm a clear storage box rather than a gemstone. By this, I mean that I see my "self" as containing multiple, complete personalities that surface in turn instead of possessing one personality with many different facets. All "characters" within this box share the same experiences, but they do not all share the same characteristics.

(Ach.... moments like this cause me to realize that I should've continued my college education and developed my belly-button gazing abilities on the clock, so I'd at least have a piece of resume-boosting paper to increase my workplace value!)

Slower, secretly smiling

In moments most mundane and calm,
I brush palms with our future selves,
older, softer, slower,
smiling secretly to each other.

It confounds my vanity to see them wearing
clothes that are comfortable and forgiving;
habits have crept into their bones
and twisted them into peculiar shapes --
bodyscapes beloved by dimming eyes

The familiar, trustworthy rhythm of
housework and rest
is the comforting heartbeat rocking gently
beneath your nightshirt pressed
below my ear

Our children will make up for fewer mistakes
than we were able to forgive ourselves for,
steady heart

Coffee, water, wine

Coffee, water, wine --
so my days unfold in this drowsy pattern.
A lift, a drop, a cleansing,
each worthwhile day follows the arc of a tale...
I am grateful for each
unamerican pause in the hours.

Random streetcorners in goodmorning Manhattan
never knew sleep, and neither did I;
I wandered from cup to cup,
closing my hands around it like
the first precious discovery of fire.

Wine stained my hair and fingers
the few times I felt Jewish enough to dance.
Somehow, California made sense.
One day, daughters will catch a glimpse and murmur,
Mother had an adventure,
and you will laugh, my dear, because
we live behind closed doors.

But the water is different;
it flows in and out and through,
making and breaking and wasting.
The one I so frequently neglect,
I need the most.

When I am wandering slowly from this world,
which one of these will you give me?
To choose is to say so much of how you loved...

You have always loved me well.

What's the daffo-dealeo?

You'd think that with the onset of a warmer, more encouraging season, my brain would emerge alongside the unfurling cotyleadons.... but NAE! Instead, I'm typing things backwards, watering my dogs while letting my plants out to pee, the list of constant embarrassment rolls on into infinity and over the mountain tops.

On the brighter side, the shift in sunshine hours has transformed me from a drowsy lion to a frolicksome lamb (I say, as my emotionally exhausted husband thanks Sweet Jesus)... everywhere I look, there's fresh flowers and new lime green oak leaves and the beautiful and often fuzzy results of procreation, so what's there to bemoan?

So as either a reward for his tolerance or a snub to my spring diet, I think I'm gonna go home tonight and bake us a chocolate cake. Maybe it's the sight of rich, dark soil that excited me enough to seek such carnal indulgence. If so, we'll just call this my little fertility celebration. :)

Catfish, cooter & deer: survivin' & thrivin', Arkansas-style

The arrival of vernal equinox has caught me in an unusually industrious mood. I'm sure it's amusing to my mountain man dad to observe as his oldest daughter turns into a can-stocking, deer-eatin', tomato-plantin', secondhand clothes horse. Truthfully, I fear very little in reguard to all the doomsday depression talk pumped into the American consciousness via satallite 24 hours a day. My husband and I rent a house, own two paid-for cars, and are currently a two-income household with health insurance, life insurance, and a little stashed back. At this point in time, I'm glad that we have little else to fret over. God has blessed us so much by not blessing us with too much. Although we're headless-chicken busy much of the time, we still have the opportunity to enjoy what we've been given. I couldn't imagine what our life -- or our relationship -- would be like if we were up to our nose holes in loan or credit card payments.

I feel doubly blessed to have had parents who taught me that "if you can't afford to buy it now, you probably don't need it". E-mailing with my dad back and forth last week, he shared another one with me that he seemed surprised that I already knew (I think I picked it up from a Countryside & Small Stock Journal magazine he had loaned me): "Use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without."

Now don't misunderstand me -- I'm hardly Granny Clampett, out shootin', weavin' & wildcraftin' , but I would like to learn to run my household even more resourcefully than I do. I'm looking for more than simple Better Homes & Gardens solutions. I'd like to see my energy bill cut in half. I'd like to spend half of what I do in groceries (which averages about $100 every two weeks) and still be able to provide extra helpings at the table when company's over in the evening. I'd like not to look like a ragamuffin because I can't fit into last year's clothes, yet can't scrape up enough to buy new ones (I'm probably a little too proud of myself for being clever enough to consign last year's size 4's and 6's in order to earn enough for this year's size 8's. The size switch should keep me humble enough. Sigh.) I've even taken on a piano student -- her fees help pay for those little extra things around the house you don't know you need until they suddenly break or wear out.

I'm curious -- what are my fellow statesiders doing to tighten their belts, if at all?